I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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