whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
