Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
