Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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