I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
