Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
