dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
