I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
