At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Drunk is not a location!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
