You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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