Plan B is the new Plan A
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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