my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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