Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Everyone says I win the strip club
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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