i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
