I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
