wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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