birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
