you guys were way drunker than both of me
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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