2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
false alarm, still single
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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