1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
