How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My breath smells like gin and sadness
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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