and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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