I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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