During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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