Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I woke up under a house in Key West
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
