when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
