I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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