I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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