when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize