false alarm. still invincible.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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