Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
