Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
