I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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