btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
