Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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