I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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