Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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