Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
