everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
