The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
