Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
