I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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