She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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