1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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