Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
