If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
