I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
