FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
