WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
