You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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