You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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