i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
