Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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