Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
