So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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