I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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