textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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