don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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