Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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