Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
