i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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