It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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